Anonymous asked: You're a superhero. You just realized you can't save the world this time and it has to end. How are you going to tell your dream superhero girl its over?
Now, obviously different doomsday scenarios will require different strategies, but as a loose set of guidelines I’ll stick to this list.
My Official Superhero At The End Of The World Checklist
- First I’ll go to my arch nemesis to tell him that I, a mild mannered unemployed guy, have been the person that has been thwarting his evil plans all these years. I’ll put my hands on my hips and laugh. Hard.
- I’ll pick him up and throw his ass to the moon! Why not?!
- I’ll go find my trusty Power Hound and tell him the gig is up, depending on my origin story I might tell Power Hound to return to our home planet (but let’s be honest, that won’t matter: He’s loyal as fuck and will stay with me til the end).
- I’ll go to the prison where my Rogues Gallery is kept. I’ll tell them that they are free, as they rejoice at my sudden change of heart, a silence will fall over them as they hear the unmistakable growl of the Power Hound. ”Good Boy,” I’ll bitterly mutter as I fly away. (I have a lot of pent up aggression towards those guys).
- I’ll go find my best girl and give her the scoop. Due to the uncountable amount of times that I have been cloned, mine controlled, or have had a robot duplicate made of me she’ll be hesitant to believe my claims at first. Eventually I’ll convince her and she’ll become a blubbering mess, pounding her hands against my chest telling me that it is my job to stop this.
- This will hurt my feelings a little bit and in my anger I’ll lash out and mention that it’s her job to report the news yet she was dating a superhero for years without mentioning it in her paper. I’ll also mention that she should be glad that the world is ending because the newspaper is a dying medium anyway.
- I’ll apologize. That was out of line.
- We’ll smooch. It’ll be in the air and spinning, the sun (depending on the nature of the doomsday, the exploding sun) will illuminate our silhouettes. It will be very romantic.
- By this point in my superheroing career I will have left some casualties in my wake (parents/exgirlfriends/former roommates turned evil but then redeemed at death). I’ll go visit their graves and wax poetic about the very nature of life.
- I’ll summon my superhero colleagues. It’s time to engage Alpha Protocol X.
- Even though all members of the super squad are aware of what this means I will loudly state that Alpha Protocol X is our Doomsday Plan devised by our resident super genius, Kid Einstein. It is a synthetic earth that has been hyperlocked in time, frozen in the space between this universe and the next, heated by energy gathered by cosmic mills that harness the movement of time itself. It is called Gnu Earf.
- We will deploy robot squads designed to gather those needed to populate Gnu Earf (roughly 1/100 of the current population). Lame people need not apply.
- I’ll return to my gal and tell her that I can save her but we have to act fast. We’ll act fast.
- We’ll smooch again.
- On Gnu Earf we’ll mourn those who were lost and celebrate our chance for a new beginning in a world where most of the sucky people no longer exist. I’ll live out my life in luxury on Gnu Earf as part hero / part bad ass new God.
- All and all it won’t be that bad of a day.