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This May Come As A Surprise To You, But I Am An Idiot
But rather than talk about stupid stuff I do now, I instead shall discuss an event of idiocy from my youth.Now, if there is anything worse than an idiot it is, for sure, an idiot with hyper nerd tendencies that would become obsessive about gathering information on given topics.That was me.  I was the worst.I would gather information on things like… Cretaceous period dinosaurs or the 1994 Dallas Cowboys (I don’t get it, either). I would fill literally hundreds of note cards filled with random facts, trivia, and stats and then beg, BEG one of my older sisters or my parents to quiz me on my knowledge.I, obviously, thought I was pretty hot shit. I loved having weird pieces of info in my brain, I was like some knowledge gathering 7 year old that ran on an ego engine that was fueled by my own compliments to myself about this knowledge!So, when Ms. Biter (my second grade teacher) announced that we would be giving presentations on animals that we got to choose and do the research on, my trivia disease kicked in and I immediately went home and started frantically looking up an animal that did something amazing.  Not just amazing but something that seemed impossible.And then I found it.  I found an animal that could do something that seemed impossible
Unfortunately for me, that is because what I thought it could do was impossible.It all started when I found an article about Cheetahs.The running fast was cool, but not cool enough, but then I saw it: The cheetah moves by contracting its spine, bringing its hind legs to the front then reaching with its front legs and contracting its spine to repeat the process.See it? No? Ok, that’s because you aren’t insane like I was.  Don’t worry, you, just like my entire second grade class, will see what my idiocy had wrought. [Scene: Perry Elementary, 2nd Grade Class Room]
I stand up to give my presentation, barely being able to contain my blushing from that anticipated awe struck faces at the massive knowledge bomb I was about to drop.I stand, give my presentation, ho-hum until finally I reach my dramatic conclusion.. let’s go back to that sentence in the book as a quick refresher:   
The cheetah moves by contracting its spine, bringing its hind legs to the front then reaching with its front legs and contracting its spine to repeat the process.
So, what do I say?  When Cheetahs run their back legs become their front legs.  They run so fast that their back legs and front legs switch places.
…It was here that Ms. Biter asked me what I meant, because obviously…that was retarded.  Well, I then clarified in detail that I believed that their back legs literally became their front legs.  I repeated it at least four times until, in a very poorly written television show way, I stopped mid sentence, realized what an idiot I was, CLAIMED IT WAS A JOKE, and quickly took my seat.You know, what 7 year old me lacked in brains he made up for in blatant balls out lying to try and cover his ass.  I have to respect that.There is no moral to this story. 

This May Come As A Surprise To You, But I Am An Idiot

But rather than talk about stupid stuff I do now, I instead shall discuss an event of idiocy from my youth.

Now, if there is anything worse than an idiot it is, for sure, an idiot with hyper nerd tendencies that would become obsessive about gathering information on given topics.

That was me.  I was the worst.

I would gather information on things like… Cretaceous period dinosaurs or the 1994 Dallas Cowboys (I don’t get it, either). I would fill literally hundreds of note cards filled with random facts, trivia, and stats and then beg, BEG one of my older sisters or my parents to quiz me on my knowledge.

I, obviously, thought I was pretty hot shit. I loved having weird pieces of info in my brain, I was like some knowledge gathering 7 year old that ran on an ego engine that was fueled by my own compliments to myself about this knowledge!

So, when Ms. Biter (my second grade teacher) announced that we would be giving presentations on animals that we got to choose and do the research on, my trivia disease kicked in and I immediately went home and started frantically looking up an animal that did something amazing.  Not just amazing but something that seemed impossible.

And then I found it.  I found an animal that could do something that seemed impossible

Unfortunately for me, that is because what I thought it could do was impossible.

It all started when I found an article about Cheetahs.

The running fast was cool, but not cool enough, but then I saw it:

The cheetah moves by contracting its spine, bringing its hind legs to the front then reaching with its front legs and contracting its spine to repeat the process.

See it? No? Ok, that’s because you aren’t insane like I was.  Don’t worry, you, just like my entire second grade class, will see what my idiocy had wrought. 

[Scene: Perry Elementary, 2nd Grade Class Room]

I stand up to give my presentation, barely being able to contain my blushing from that anticipated awe struck faces at the massive knowledge bomb I was about to drop.

I stand, give my presentation, ho-hum until finally I reach my dramatic conclusion.. let’s go back to that sentence in the book as a quick refresher:   

The cheetah moves by contracting its spine, bringing its hind legs to the front then reaching with its front legs and contracting its spine to repeat the process.

So, what do I say?  When Cheetahs run their back legs become their front legs.  They run so fast that their back legs and front legs switch places.



It was here that Ms. Biter asked me what I meant, because obviously…that was retarded.  Well, I then clarified in detail that I believed that their back legs literally became their front legs.  I repeated it at least four times until, in a very poorly written television show way, I stopped mid sentence, realized what an idiot I was, CLAIMED IT WAS A JOKE, and quickly took my seat.

You know, what 7 year old me lacked in brains he made up for in blatant balls out lying to try and cover his ass.  I have to respect that.

There is no moral to this story. 

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