I wish that there was a way to quantum leap into...
so that whenever I feel disappointed about something I could just quantum leap into the body of a parent who walks in on their son sitting on his bed with an acoustic guitar on his lap practicing in earnest his version of Hey there Delilah where he replaced the word Delilah with “Melissa” from his 4th period civics class. Just to feel that “Oh… oh son, no…” and...
Anonymous asked: Pop quiz, hotshot. There's a bomb on a bus. Once the bus goes 50 miles an hour, the bomb is armed. If it drops below 50, it blows up. What do you do? What do you do?
One of the truly perfect things in this world is...
That’s not a dunk! HE’S JUST THROWING IT HARD!– the worst people, on Blake Griffin
Anonymous asked: You never answer the best things that I ask you..
Do you ever get so thirsty that you google image...
fallingdeep asked: Why are you so into "Hook"?
I wonder if Master P ever ended the Don't Ask,...
I see stuff on this website about relationships literally hundreds of times a day. Stuff about is being single good or bad?, are soulmates real?, on again off again relationships, do opposites attract? should I look for another me?, messy break ups and whose fault is it anyway? I have some thoughts on the subject. Now, when I say that I should clarify, I mean, I have some dumb thoughts on...
Pull some strings, give someone a beej, do whatever you have to do. I want to be able to post music straight from Spotify. You can do it.
I pluck hair out of my ear just to see if I can feel… anything.– emo old men
I want Travis Barker remixes of all the Jesse and...
youngleg-deactivated20120305 asked: What is your favorite scene in Hook?
There should be a holiday for the first person...
and thought “No. No, this will not do!” and then invented icing.
Is it okay, in my profesh emails, to end them all with: lylab/lylas, Josh!
I gave her my Teller; she gave me a Penn.– Lloyd Dobler, magic enthusiast.
"What is your desired annual base salary?"
It would be weird to be a celebrity and then go...
“Yeah, and then here is a website where someone makes a gif of a time I winked once and then people post it literally thousands of times all over their personal blogs.”
There is a better than 50/50 chance that I would...
if McDonald’s gave them to me in nugget form.
Emmy the Great // Edward is Dedward
When dogs die do their dog ghosts have chains...
I want John Mulaney to write a book
so that I can read it and love it and then hate it because of how funny he is
I have nothing to back this up
but I feel like a lot of the animal kingdom sort of hates zebras.
You ever hear people say shit like "My life should...
If my life was a tv show today’s episode would’ve featured a five minute segment where I sat in complete silence staring off into space (aka looking at the wall) as I thought really hard about my opinions on vienna sausages. So… you know, maybe the bad tv we have now is way better than the bad tv we could have?
Bad News for Whitney and Chelsea Could Be Good... →
I mean, I don’t like Whitney and from what I hear I wouldn’t like Are you there, Chelsea? and I do like Community an awful lot but still, it sucks that two of the big new female led comedies are such shit.
So, having grown up where I grew up I know a lot...
and they have been taking the past week to post their individual “JoePa Moments” on facebook aka any interaction that they’ve ever had with Joe Paterno, some being as boring as seeing him yell at someone who ran a red light, and then talk about the impact he’s had on their life and what a great human being he is and the like. It’s been everything I can do not to...
I wonder if anyone has ever
started a sentence with “Call me old fashioned, but…” and ended it in a way that didn’t force me to roll my eyes.
Free Business Idea:
Someone needs to invent a genre of porn that is filmed entirely in front of green screen because sometimes I bet people wanna watch someone have sex in space right after they wanna watch someone have sex in front of the Eiffel Tower. Another option you rising porn moguls can have for free: Choose your own adventure!
I was looking around on the internet for stand up...
and I stumbled across a list on about.com titled “Top 10 Essential Comedians” and while that wasn’t exactly what I was looking for I was interested in what about.com thought were the “essential” comedians that I need to know about. I present that list to you. Dane Cook Jeff Dunham Larry the Cable Guy Russell Peters Chris Rock Sarah Silverman Dave Chappelle ...
pacify-eris: The Hood Internet :: All Of The...
If you could change one thing about your life in...
Anonymous asked: You've just repeated the same joke all night.
I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are...– President Barack Obama - State of the Union
I know I’m not the one you thought you knew back in high school Never...– President Barack Obama - State of the Union
Good morning. Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join...– President Barack Obama - State of the Union
About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire....– President Barack Obama - State of the Union
Hey how you doin lil mama? lemme whisper in your ear. Tell you sumthing that...– President Barack Obama - State of the Union
A lot of my fellow Americans stopped watching after the third season but I think...– President Barack Obama - State of the Union