Carol, Hold my calls.
I’m gonna be having a threesome with Netflix and some Fresca for the foreseeable future.
I wish I could give an award to the S'more...
Instead I’ll just try and live my life the way that I think it would’ve wanted. Do things the right way, smile more, try a little harder… just try and be worthy of the sacrifice that it made when it let me drink it today. I promise you, S’more Milkshake, I’ll earn this. I’ll earn this.
Here is the description of some Dane Cook movie...
Complications crop up when an unlikable cad dates his best pal’s ex-girlfriend in the pal’s scheme to convince her to go back to him. Unlikable cad pal’s scheme can there be an Oscar for Best Comcast Movie Summary?
Movie Pitch for next year's oscars
Movie adaptation of former tv show Early Edition, set in 2011. Guy gets his twitter/tumblr feeds a day early. Is on the cutting edge of memes. Able to be annoyed by people before they ever do anything annoying. Please feel free to make my check out to “Cash”.
My Current Number 1 Celebrity Crush:
The “Girl From 4E” in the State Farm “Can I Getta Hot Tub” Commercial. These feelings… they’re real.
How to kill half of tumblr in 4 easy steps
Tell them they must choose between Mumford & Sons and Avett Brothers Watch heads explode … that’s it, you killed half For real, that’s it. (For the record it’s mumford for me.)
You didn't just burn yourself
because you found a lighter in your living room and decided to light some paper towels on fire because you think it smells good? Whatever. Your loss.
I don't know, you guys.
Sometimes when you are home alone with nothing else to do, it’s hard to think of reasons NOT to practice Crip Walking in your kitchen.
I’m sure that I am good at stuff. And I’m positive that I am passable at a lot of things. Why don’t you hire me and we can figure out what these things are ~together~. xoxo josh
Bill Withers // Use Me Up
So if I know the internet like I think I do......
This is the way the world ends Not with a bang but a whimper.– T.S. Eliot on the subject of Two and a Half Men
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the...– Charlie Sheen
Johnny Cage's death in the second Mortal Kombat...
He was my favorite, you guys.
And now, I present an excerpt from my already...
But first, for a little bit of background information, I will present what should have been written: I will also be looking at the ways that the tentacles of censorship have already begun to work their way into the Russian internet… And now… For what was written: I will also be looking at the ways that the testicles of censorship have already begun to work their way into the...
Tidbit of info as a crank out 4 more pages by 1:
Growing up, my neighbors used to get Schwan’s food deliveries to their house once or twice a week. I assumed that Schwan’s was an ice cream truck that you had to preorder. I was crazy annoyed with my parents for not signing us up and even more jealous of those Eddys with their, what I preceived to be, endless amounts of Push-Up Pops. I don’t think I realized what it was until...
Oh don't mind me, I'll just be over here cumming... →
Dear Everyone Who Doesn't Pick Up After Your Dog...
I hope someone with very large, very flat feet steps in a very warm mess that your dog left. I hope this person then proceeds to kick you across the face with the bottom of their foot. I hope they do this in slow motion. And I hope your mouth is open. xoxo Josh
I was talking to my roommate about it and we...
Book 1: Harry Potter and the incredible growing ego. Book 2: Harry Potter and the cool kids. Only the cool kids. Book 3: Harry Potter and the I’m not afraid YOU’RE afraid. Book 4: Harry Potter and the seriously guys, I’m good at EVERYTHING. Book 5: Harry Potter and the finally noticing Hermione now that she’s hot. Book 6: Harry Potter and the I don’t need this...
I feel, by and large, that most people can be...
I also feel this is an acceptable standard by which to judge others.
Today's Pop Quiz: What's the ALL TIME BEST Devon...
Please show your work. There is a right answer but points will be given if you can strongly argue your answer.
Talib Kweli // Country Of Loving (Dub Kweli - Max...
I liked school a lot better when it didn't involve...
There will come a time in my life
when I won’t need to mentally sing the cheer “Be Aggressive, B-E Aggressive, B-E-AGG RESS I-V-E” to spell Aggressive. But I’m not there yet.
Rye swirl bread is the food incarnation of the...
Embarrassing Truths Revealed #12
Sometimes when I am home alone and bored I recite the lyrics to “I Want It Now” by Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory as if I am a politician giving a speech. Sometimes it gets pretty intense. I’ve done this more than once this month.
White Town // Your Woman
I always used to be paranoid about doing Choose...
so, whenever a decision would need to be made, I would put my finger in the book at that page to mark my spot in case I chose poorly and needed to go back. Sometimes this would lead to me having 5 fingers holding spots in the book as I read. I feel this somehow is representative of my life.
Boy, 11, Arrested For Violent Stick Figure Drawing →
So… this seems pretty crazy, right?
I've given it a lot of thought
and I’ve decided that my favorite title for any movie all time belongs to: Carmen: A Hip Hopera.
Someone just got tickets to the Pirates home...
When I was in elementary school I had more than...
I certainly wasn’t the one purchasing my clothes and I can recall no affinity that I had for that character at all, so I must ask… what the hell, mom and dad?
When my parents told me that I could do anything I...
the middle school and high school versions of myself took that to mean that I can force myself to like any shitty band that a cute girl is into.
Just know this:
if there are 3 urinals available in a bathroom And you are using the middle one I am mentally praying you accidentally zipper your dick.
The way contestants act on Food Network Challenge...
is the same way I react whenever I’m making a PB&J and find out at the end that we are out of milk.
I wish there was a hotline I could call to talk...