“OK… First I’ll access the secret military spy satelite that is in geosynchronous orbit over the midwest. Then I’ll ID the limo by the vanity plate “MR. BIGGG” and get his approximate position. Then I’ll reposition the transmission dish on the remote truck to 17.32 degrees east, hit WESTAR 4 over the Atlantic, bounce the signal back into the aerosphere up to COMSAT 6, beam it back to SATCOM 2 transmitter number 137 and down on the dish on the back of Mr. Big’s limo… It’s almost too easy.”—Garth Algar (via mikekarnell)
“Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying “yes” begins things. Saying “yes” is how things grow. Saying “yes” leads to knowledge. “Yes” is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say yes.”—
Before we end this rodeo, a few things need to be said. There has been a lot of speculation in the press about what I legally can and can’t say about NBC. To set the record straight, tonight I am allowed to say anything I want. And what I want to say is this: between my time at Saturday Night Live, the Late Night show, and my brief run here on The Tonight Show, I have worked with NBC for over 20 years. Yes, we have our differences right now and yes, we’re going to go our separate ways. But this company has been my home for most of my adult life. I am enormously proud of the work we have done together, and I want to thank NBC for making it all possible.
Walking away from The Tonight Show is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Making this choice has been enormously difficult. This is the best job in the world, I absolutely love doing it, and I have the best staff and crew in the history of the medium. But despite this sense of loss, I really feel this should be a happy moment. Every comedian dreams of hosting The Tonight Show and, for seven months, I got to. I did it my way, with people I love, and I do not regret a second. I’ve had more good fortune than anyone I know and if our next gig is doing a show in a 7-Eleven parking lot, we’ll find a way to make it fun.
And finally, I have to say something to our fans. The massive outpouring of support and passion from so many people has been overwhelming. The rallies, the signs, all the goofy, outrageous creativity on the Internet, and the fact that people have traveled long distances and camped out all night in the pouring rain to be in our audience, made a sad situation joyous and inspirational.
To all the people watching, I can never thank you enough for your kindness to me and I’ll think about it for the rest of my life. All I ask of you is one thing: please don’t be cynical. I hate cynicism — it’s my least favorite quality and it doesn’t lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen. As proof, let’s make an amazing thing happen right now.
Walking down the street by myself, listening to this song. The head starts going back and forth a little bit. Tiny movement at first, a little up and down thrown in. It gets more pronounced. Moving the shoulders a little bit, this doesn’t look good. The head is really getting into it now. Are those…are those hips shaking a little? What of it? The gait is changing. It’s essentially a full on strut now.
Look out world, here comes trouble.
I’d be embarrassed to even watch me on tv sometimes.
Ok, it seems like this is something that has been addressed 1000 times and is no longer relevant to any conversation, but I must take a stand.
I refuse to call 2000-2009 the aughts. I will not do it. I think it sounds dumb and like the whole country is trying to hard. I will accept the 2000s (but wait! the whole millennium is 2000s not just the decade! - to this I say fuck you, you’d get what decade I was talking about, ass.) or the O’s as in 0-9 or 0-8, in fact I have to fight the urge to say 0-10. But I absolutely refuse to say the aughts.
I felt this was something that you guys ought to know.
If people try to deliberately offend me, I usually counter by saying something mean to an uncalled for level. Like, personal attacks that I’ve been storing up. I’m an asshole. I don’t recommend it.
This is what I do, too. I am the Queen of Escalation. I do not recommend it either.
I usually have a “in case of emergency: break glass” super insult for almost everyone. It’s a horrible practice but once I think of something really mean I can’t forget it and it just buries itself in my mind like a timebomb.
me: So, I mean…it’s kind of like you are Dennis Nedry and the whole situation or whatever is Jurassic Park. It’s like, in a few months it could pay off big time but you just don’t wanna wait, you’re just leaving with the DNA instead of sticking it out. What I’m saying is that you will regret this just like he did when he was attacked by a dilophosaurus.
C: You know, the fact that you constantly try and make metaphors out of Jurassic Park and the fact that you are so proud of yourself when you do…it doesn’t help prove your point. It just makes me hate you more than when you started talking.
Me: I don’t think you are getting it, this really mak-